A Week of Ups and Downs

I realize that it's been quite a while since I've posted here and I do apologize.  Life has been busy - good, but busy.

Here's a quick catch-up for just last week alone...

Sunday/Monday/Tuesday
Mom and Dad come for a long overdue visit.  Haven't seen them since Christmas, so there's much catching up to do.  Our time together is wonderful and Dad and I always seem to communicate better when we're working on a project together - it's been like this since I was old enough to hold a flashlight.

Wednesday
First day back in the office this week and it's full steam ahead.  Our Baltimore event is only 3 weeks away and there is still much to be done.
After work, I head out to meet up with a lady that will introduce me to a horse she is thinking of selling.  God and the Universe work in the most mysterious ways... About 3 weeks ago, I was going through my old mare's things and the memories made me realize how much I missed that old part of my life.  A week later, I mention this to the lady that gives my dogs their 'day of beauty' (AKA dog bath) and she tells me she knows a lady that has an 11 y/o Arabian gelding.  And now, here I am headed out to a barn to meet 'Tailor' the horse and his trainer, Zabrina.  The meeting goes well and I even have a chance to climb on and walk around a bit.  It's been 9 years since I've been in a saddle, but it was the best feeling in the world.  I agree to come back again on Friday.

Thursday
Work first and then 'chemo day'.  Today is Treatment #10.  I meet Neil at the Cancer Center and it's Nurse Dana today. Once again, the port flushes just fine, but refuses to give any blood back on the return.  So they poke me in the arm to get the vial they need to run the labs, take my vitals, and then we wait for the lab report to come back.  The numbers are all good (white blood cell, red blood cell, neutrophils, etc.) so that means we can proceed with the day's treatment.  Pre-meds first - mostly a big dose of Benadryl and then we wait 15 minutes for those to make their way thru my system.  Afterwards, it's an hour long drip of the chemo drug, Taxol.  We are done a little after 6pm and head home to dinner and dogs.

Friday
Another crazy day at the office.  I think I managed to cram 5 days worth of work into 3 this week.  But my reward is to head out to the barn at the end of the day and meet back up with Tailor and Zabrina.  Zabrina is already warming up Tailor when I arrive and then hops off and l hop on.  Our lesson goes well and I head home with an ear-to-ear grin.

Saturday
Up early to meet Pam for a dog hike and then it's back to the barn for another session with Tailor and Zabrina.  We try the outdoor arena this time (Tailor's first time out there) and he does great.  How wonderful to be out riding in the spring sunshine!
I dash home to meet up with Neil and then we pack up for a weekend in Seattle.  The dogs are dropped off at Pam's for a 'sleep over' and then Neil and I head down to attend a wedding... the daughter of a dear friend.  The wedding is beautiful - the weather is perfect - the dinner and company were wonderful.  And then the music started and all these beautiful people started dancing and I lost it.  Suddenly, I was tired of being "sick" and tired of feeling "different" and tired of going through each day like none of this matters and that I'm stronger than all of this.  Yes, I am strong, but every once in a while, there's a chink in the armor and the true emotions bleed through.  I ask Neil to quietly get me out of there and I'm a sobbing mess by the time we reach the car.  The tears help to cleanse the demons and after a few minutes, I feel my resolve return.  I sleep soundly and awaken to a beautiful sunny morning... it's a new day.

Sticker Shock

The medical bills are starting to trickle in and I've been getting notifications from my insurance company on other bills that they have processed.  Let me just pause right here to publicly thank my employer, SPIE, for offering such amazing health insurance!!  I've already met my deductible for the year, so as long as everything is approved, it should be paid at 100%. (fingers crossed)
In perusing the Explanation of Benefits pages, I start adding up the charges for my first month of chemo treatments (2 total, plus 2 of those Neulasta shots that were used to keep my white blood cells from plummeting too far).  Grand total just for that?  Over $20,000!  Are you kidding me?  Doubling that will get us to the end of February and I still have 3 more months of weekly sessions to go!  

So far, I'm feeling pretty good on the Taxol treatments.  My next infusion (#2 of 12) is tomorrow.  I still feel fatigued when I try to exert myself, but the dreaded nausea is gone.  Thank you Lord!  I actually felt good enough (ha!) to get up at 5am yesterday and get to my 5:30am CrossFit class.  I hadn't been to that group since January 3rd and if was wonderful to see the folks again, though my performance was definitely humbling.  The strength and stamina of old were gone - replaced with a weak, winded shadow of my former self.  But even though I only did half the workout, it still felt great to be back.  And the ridiculously sore muscles I feel today just make me smile.

The Next Phase of Chemo Begins

The dreaded 'AC' portion of my chemotherapy is done and now I'm on to 12 straight weeks of Taxol.  According to the nurses, this phase should be a walk in the park compared to the AC.  Let's hope so!  The biggest fear was a slight chance of a major allergic reaction to the Taxol.  Yesterday was my first infusion, so they packed on the pre-meds (a heavy duty Benadryl type product) and then watched me like a hawk as the first of the Taxol went in.  Thankfully, there was no reaction, so I'm good to go.
I am finally seeing a light at the end of this tunnel.  Yahoo!

Milestones

I reached a milestone yesterday... the last treatment (#4) of the 'A-C' (adrimyacin/cytoxcin combination).  And today will be my last Neulasta shot.  Now it's a 2 week wait while my body crashes and comes back to "normal", and then 12 straight weeks of Taxol treatments.  These (according to the infusion nurses) are a 'walk in the park' compared to the A-C treatments, so keep your fingers crossed.

The bummer is that I continue to have port problems.  The darn thing gets clogged and although the nurses can get the saline to push thru (because I can taste it), they can't get any blood on the return.  So we spend time while they inject some kind of 'draino' equivalent into it and then wait an hour for it to do its job.  In the meantime, they stick an IV into my arm to do my blood work (numbers have to be high enough or they won't go forward with the chemo) and start administering all the pre-meds.  I meet again with my surgeon, Dr. Kaufman, next week.  I think he just wants to make sure I'm still breathing, so I will definitely mention the port issue.

Last Wednesday night was "Ladies Night" at my CrossFit box.  It was my first attempted work out in over 3 weeks and boy howdy, have I gotten weak!  It was supposed to be 3 rounds of 5 different exercises, performed for a minute at each 'station'.  I made it through 2 rounds and was completely out of gas.  It's hard not to be disappointed, and it was a definite reality check as to how much these treatments really take out of me.  On the other hand, it was great to see all the ladies and feel part of that community again.

A Big Slice of Humble Pie

My support group never ceases to overwhelm, amaze, and humble me right down to the stubble on my head.
This Saturday, there is a CrossFit competition at a neighboring "box" (remember, we don't call them 'gyms') to help raise money for a local high school kid fighting cancer.  Members of the box I belong to (CrossFitX) are going there to compete, show support, and have a bit of fun.  I truly wish I was feeling strong enough to join them.
To show a bit of team spirit, the owner of CrossFitX had some t-shirts made and mentioned that there was going to be a "pink theme", in honor of me.  I was definitely touched.  Last night, lying in bed and doing a last scan of Facebook before I turned off the light, I saw post after post of my CrossFitX friends changing their profile pictures.  Our shirts had come in and the image brought me to tears.

Thank you Team CrossFitX for all of your love and support.  I am a better, stronger person - both inside and out - because of all of you.

A short hall pass to San Francisco



In case you don't know me, I'm an exhibition manager for The International Society of Optics and Photonics - and no, we don't make eye glasses.  Basically, I'm a logistics person.  Ever been to a boat show, or a home and garden show?  Ever wonder how all those exhibiting companies get placed where they are? Or who orders all of the aisle carpet, signage, access guards, floral, and such?  Yeah, probably not, but that's what I do.  And our biggest event is being held this week in San Francisco. When all of this first started, I was completely bummed that I may not be able to go to this event.  I've been going for the last 17 years - it's part of who I am.  It's what I do.  So I was more than thrilled that the nurses said it would be okay for me to go, as long as I don't do anything stupid.  Um.. define "stupid"?  :-)
I flew in on Thursday and came home on Monday.  Just enough time to help out with the move-in and set-up, and to have a chance to see some folks that I've known for years, but only see once a year.  It was so good to see these people and let them know I'm alright.  It was a much needed boost to both my mental health and my inner spirit.  There were some tears when I was packing up to leave, but I'm so glad I had a small respite from the Cancer World.

I do have to relay something that happened to me on my way home.  I was standing at the airport gate in San Francisco - just leaning against a pillar, waiting for them to start the boarding call, when a woman approached me and placed her hand on my arm.  She asked if I was a 'fellow sister fighting the fight?'.  When I replied that I was, she gave me a hug!

This 'club' obviously has more than it's fair share of members - and I'm just beginning to meet them.

Can't take credit for the photo - thank you Google Images

 

And There Goes the Hair...

The scarf was just Step 1... after 2 days of seeing my hair come out in clumps and feeling the itchiness under my scarves, I realized it was time to just do away with it.  Friday night we had dinner at Michele and Bart's and I asked her if she could help a girlfriend out.  Michele has been cutting Bart's hair since the Navy days, so if anyone knows her way around a pair of clippers, it would be her.  We finish up a lovely dinner and then head down to the basement.  I guess a part of me feels sad - part of me understands that this is just part of the journey - a time to bond with my fellow cancer brothers and sisters.  So here I am... with less hair than when I first entered this world.